We can be so gullible at times it's unbelievable. Before I came to Christ, I had lived a reckless life. I came to the States to go to school and make something out of myself, at least that why my parents sent me. I was good up till when I got to college that's when all hell broke loose. I started partying like it was going out of style. I was in the clubs from thursdays to sundays for 10 years I did this. Towards the end, I got really tired and I wanted to quit because it dawned on me that I was in a vicious cycle, doing the same thing week after week and there were no improvements in my life but I couldn't do it on my own. It was such a struggle I tell you and there was no one I could talk to about this. I was the life of the party lol and because I had friends from the Caribbeans lol I was like a Jamaican-African-American girl which means I could dance with the best of them and even outdance them but at the end I would go home to my room back to my loneliness, the lights were out and it was just me and myself and solitude. I tell you it was rough. I tried to drown it out, I tried to fake it and make myself feel and think that I was ok and that my life was not empty but at the end, I could not escape it. My dad used to force us to go to church every sunday back home and so I grew up in the church even though I was still a child then. I went to a church here and there in my adult life but church life was really not for me. I was truly rebelling and letting go of the angst I had built up instead of me for years. That was the time when God decided that I was ready for Him and so He came out of the shadows. I was feeling more and more guilty for the things that I was doing. I was going out with one guy at the time but when I will be having an issue with him, I would go back to my ex and so I was doing this back and forth thing between the two of them, nasty right? But that was what I had done with my life. I would go clubbing on Saturday night, will be in church on Sunday morning, I would cry my eyes out asking God for forgiveness and will be back in the club on Sunday night, sounds familiar?
This went on and on until the day when I got tired and I just said Lord, I am tired. I am really tired of battling this on my own, please help me! Do you know that He just did? He stepped Him and took care of business, as soon as I let go. He was waiting for me to get tired lol this God! So now I am with Him. I love Him, He loves me. He's everything for me. I am a very weird person because of where I came from. I love the Lord so much that people who don't understand can't comprehend me. That is just fine with me, I am not looking for anyone to get me, as long as I get Him I m fine. I thought I had friends but in my hard times, I realized that I had no one. I mean nobody. He was the One who stepped in and helped me out. I am so grateful to Him, i don't want to hurt Him, I don't want to grieve Him, I don't want Him to ever leave me. I know He won't but I have to work on myself so I will not walk away again. It's so lonely without Him.
So here is the summary of it all, there have been some crazy things lol I am sure you will hear about it as I can't seem to stay focused in my writings. I am all over the place but trust me there is an underlying connection. I hope I am not the only one to see it.
Be blessed, stay blessed in Jesus' name.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
You won't believe this!
Lol, I found out that there were people actually following this blog, can I say that it has galvanized me? Lol we can be so self-centered at times it's amazing. God please help me with this aspect of my life and many others as you know how self-centered your daughter can get.
2009 was a year of discovery for me. It was amazing, I have learned so much about my life that it's scary. I am truly grateful to be alive, God has spared me despite all the evil I did, He still showed me He loved me. My father passed away in May 2009 and it broke my heart. Because I live in the US, my parents live in Africa. I got to see my dad when he came to visit me some years back and I was planning to go and see them very soon. He was sick and then his time just came. I was very close to my dad because my mother was a disciplinarian. I thank God for their lives. I thank God everyday for the life of my mother. Despite the fact that she practically beat the life out of me more than any of my other siblings, she was the one by the grace of God, to beat the rebellion out of me. She instilled discipline in me and taught me how to respect elders. Where I come from in West Africa, children can not talk back to their parents, I don't know how it is nowadays but 10 years ago that was the case. I thought I was literally going to die because everytime I kept thinking about my dad, I realized that he would not be there to welcome me back home and that just broke my heart. I got to a point where I just told God, Lord you need to help me with this and the Lord faithful that He is, just took over. I am telling you I had such overwhelming peace, The Holy Spirit hovered over me and comforted me. I started weeping but with every tear that was flowing out, I was releasing myself unto Him. After this experience, my heart was still. It is written be still and know that I am God. I completed trusted the Lord after that and He told me He will take care of everything so I abandoned myself into His arms. My relationship with the Lord after that grew so much because I had finally embraced the love of God. This whole time, I was aware of His love for me, I knew He cared, I just did not know how deeply. It was as if He let me see His pain, because I was crying He was crying to and He just wanted to take me in His arm and comfort me. Beautiful!
So now we are in 2010. By the grace of God I m worshipping in the same place I used to go to and now I m worshipping online with 2 churches in Nigeria. Lol go figure! I am a french-speaking african girl who lives in the US, who is attending another african church and who is worshipping online with nigerians. Is this crazy or what? I really do love worshipping God and so I love worshippers. I don't care where you come from but if you put God first in your life automatically you become my friend, friend in the spirit that is, last year God taught me a lot about friendship. That's another post right after this one. So this is where I am in life, it's just me and my God. I love my mom and I feel bad for her because she's is pretty young, she had me when she was 20 but my dad was 15 years older than her but knowing her I am sure she will stick out that woman is so strong at times I wonder what she has in her heart...
Pray you are blessed by this, remember that God loves you, it's really hard nowadays to understand that unless you have an encounter with Him but know that He's seeking and wanting to connect with you at all times. He is so loving, when I begin to think about at all that I have been through and the fact that He was always there for me and with me even in the shadows, my heart swells up!
2009 was a year of discovery for me. It was amazing, I have learned so much about my life that it's scary. I am truly grateful to be alive, God has spared me despite all the evil I did, He still showed me He loved me. My father passed away in May 2009 and it broke my heart. Because I live in the US, my parents live in Africa. I got to see my dad when he came to visit me some years back and I was planning to go and see them very soon. He was sick and then his time just came. I was very close to my dad because my mother was a disciplinarian. I thank God for their lives. I thank God everyday for the life of my mother. Despite the fact that she practically beat the life out of me more than any of my other siblings, she was the one by the grace of God, to beat the rebellion out of me. She instilled discipline in me and taught me how to respect elders. Where I come from in West Africa, children can not talk back to their parents, I don't know how it is nowadays but 10 years ago that was the case. I thought I was literally going to die because everytime I kept thinking about my dad, I realized that he would not be there to welcome me back home and that just broke my heart. I got to a point where I just told God, Lord you need to help me with this and the Lord faithful that He is, just took over. I am telling you I had such overwhelming peace, The Holy Spirit hovered over me and comforted me. I started weeping but with every tear that was flowing out, I was releasing myself unto Him. After this experience, my heart was still. It is written be still and know that I am God. I completed trusted the Lord after that and He told me He will take care of everything so I abandoned myself into His arms. My relationship with the Lord after that grew so much because I had finally embraced the love of God. This whole time, I was aware of His love for me, I knew He cared, I just did not know how deeply. It was as if He let me see His pain, because I was crying He was crying to and He just wanted to take me in His arm and comfort me. Beautiful!
So now we are in 2010. By the grace of God I m worshipping in the same place I used to go to and now I m worshipping online with 2 churches in Nigeria. Lol go figure! I am a french-speaking african girl who lives in the US, who is attending another african church and who is worshipping online with nigerians. Is this crazy or what? I really do love worshipping God and so I love worshippers. I don't care where you come from but if you put God first in your life automatically you become my friend, friend in the spirit that is, last year God taught me a lot about friendship. That's another post right after this one. So this is where I am in life, it's just me and my God. I love my mom and I feel bad for her because she's is pretty young, she had me when she was 20 but my dad was 15 years older than her but knowing her I am sure she will stick out that woman is so strong at times I wonder what she has in her heart...
Pray you are blessed by this, remember that God loves you, it's really hard nowadays to understand that unless you have an encounter with Him but know that He's seeking and wanting to connect with you at all times. He is so loving, when I begin to think about at all that I have been through and the fact that He was always there for me and with me even in the shadows, my heart swells up!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)